Author Archives: Jessi

the jail of judgments

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“You’re rubber and I’m glue, anything I say bounces off you and sticks on me…”

Or something like that…  Yeah, I know, I have the saying all backwards.  But I think it’s more true this way. 

Something I’ve been giving some thought to lately is judgments.  Let’s face it, we all make them.  And I’m not one to jump on the “judge not lest ye be judged” bandwagon, using the quote to say that we should always just turn a blind eye to everyone’s actions, and adopt a “do whatever makes you happy” attitude.

But I think there’s a big difference between using ‘judgment’ to make wise decisions, and sometimes help others see ways for them to make better choices…and using ‘judgment’ in the sense of passing a verdict or standing in the place of thinking we are better than someone else.  And frankly, I think there are consequences to the second type of judgment.  Consequences that show the absolute truth in Matthew 7:2 where it says…

“For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you…”

It’s amazing how I’ve seen the reality of this play over and over in my life.  We aren’t just talking about some spiritual dynamic here, or some after-life judgment scenario, but a real, practical…and changeable…reality.

See, the problem with judgmentalism is that we set up a ‘standard’…a ‘measure’, if you will…of what we deem to be acceptable/good/perfect.  And we hold others to it.  We’ve all done it, in some form, to some degree.  I used to be that oh-so-naive young mom, with one seemingly-naturally well behaved little daughter.  I would witness disdainfully other frazzled moms in the mall or grocery store (the days of my infant daughter were pre-Target or any local Walmart)…”those” moms would have screaming children, throwing fits and looking all disheveled and snotty nosed, and I would think “ugh…they should really discipline their children better or stay home!”.  I know…what a judgmental snot I was.  I deemed the children ‘bratty’ and couldn’t wait to walk away and not have to ‘suffer’ these children’s bad behavior.

Oh yeah...been there, done that...

Oh yeah…been there, done that…

Enter 3 boys in my life, ages 0-4, in addition to my lovely, if not occasionally snooty little princess.  Let’s just say things got ugly real quick. 

And I was horrified…I had become one of “them”.

Here’s the problem…I had no grace for others, therefore, I could have no grace for myself.  I was utterly ashamed to the point of meltdown if one of my children threw a fit in public, or were any less than ‘perfect’ in front of anyone at all.  Why?  Not because it was the end of the world, nor even because the people around us looked funny or said anything.  I was eaten up by my OWN judgements.

The measure I had used on others, I had no choice but to apply to myself.  And internally, I was tied in knots.  I could allow myself no grace, because I had allowed others no grace.

I’ve caught myself in scenarios like this many times over in the course of my life.  And it’s often so subtle (the example I gave seems like a more obvious one)…that I don’t even realize why I’m so torn up in side over something, but eventually it dawns on me.  I’ve probably made some judgments somewhere.

I want my children to be respectful, loving, generous people.  I want others to enjoy being around them.  I want everyone to like them…and in turn, like me.  But when it doesn’t happen, rather than think…”they are learning, I am learning, we are all ‘in process’”…I tend to freak.

Seeing one son blatantly tell someone, when asked for some of his sunflower seeds, (which were very few left) “No…I don’t have many, and I want them.” was embarrassing.

Hearing my son tell his baseball coach that he “hated” another kid on his team, mortifying.

Hearing reports from school of a detention for one child (over an extremely minor but repeated infraction); getting an email from another child’s teacher about ongoing ‘silliness’; witnessing another child’s natural shyness manifest as seeming rudeness are all things that have turned my insides into knots.

Shame rises up, telling me what an awful parent I must be.  ‘Children should always be polite.’  ‘Children should always listen and obey the first time.’  ‘Children should always think of others first.’  Yeah, right, in a perfect world…called “Stepford”, maybe…which we are not.

I am not saying those aren’t worthy goals…indeed they are.  But I need to remember that, in any given moment, other children I witness are being imperfect, just as my own children are imperfect.  It doesn’t mean they are hooligans, and it doesn’t mean their parents are too permissive, lazy, or in any other way flawed.  It means they…as I…are human.  Those kids, my kids, those parents, and me…we are all in process, and probably each of us trying the best we know how.

There’s any number of examples of locking ourselves in by our judgments, and they’re certainly not limited to parenting.  Why do I feel paranoid about shopping in sweats, a baggy T, and a messy mop of hair?  Because at some point, I’ve judged someone’s appearance in that Target aisle. 

C'mon...even Renee Zellweger shops in sweats!!

C’mon…even Renee Zellweger shops in sweats!!

Why am I worried about what others assume about me/my house/my vehicle/my appearance/my job/my family…?  Because quite likely, I myself have made a joke, a snide comment, or a “well, I never!” exclamation of some sort about any one of those things as it pertains to someone else.

It’s not pretty, and I hate to admit these things.  I’ve learned a lot, and I would say this is an area I’ve really tried to work on and improve over the past number of years.  But old habits die hard, and I still regularly catch myself in a judgmental thought or attitude.  Making snap judgments about others often seems second nature to us, and it’s usually in an effort (consciously or not) to make us feel better about ourselves.  The sad reality is, while it may seemingly make us feel good in the moment, in the long-term, we are just locking ourselves in a prison of our own making.

A judgment jail.

Don’t go there…you won’t even get 3 square meals a day, and if you do, you’ll only complain about how you could have cooked something better…  Just not worth it.

The good news is, repentance…turning around and changing our ways…is incredibly freeing.  We find not only forgiveness from God, but we are allowed to release ourselves from impossible standards and self-judging. 

Hey, I can even go to Walmart in my yoga pants and t-shirt now…and I just don’t care!  So if ya see me there, my hair in some crazy knot and no makeup, just know…if I see YOU there on a bad day, I won’t judge.  :)

of chores and heart attitudes…the stuff parenting is made of

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The past several weeks have been a flurry of activity around our home.  Spring brings all sorts of wonderful things like concerts and little league and formals and field trips.  I often think that if you listen, you can hear a steady ‘sucking’ noise…sucking away our time, our money…and often our joy.

Sometimes all the ‘fun’ of this season can be draining when it comes in overly large doses, and at least for my family, and one day I wake up and realize what a rather miserable, sniping, cranky bunch we all are.  It happens almost without me noticing…this steady build up of tension…until we start having massive meltdowns, big-kid versions of temper tantrums, and sadly (admittedly) even adult versions.  I usually end up yelling at everyone that “I am literally teetering on the edge of sanity, and if one more child asks me for something, over that edge I go!!!!”. 

I wish I was able to realize these things before they got to critical mass.  It’s left us with much bigger corrections to be made…in ourselves, and in each of our children…than if we would have been more consistent and firm in the beginning of the cycle.  But we weren’t…so here we are.

One of the smaller, yet consistently annoying issues is simply that of chores not getting done.  I guess in the midst of all the running around, it’s just easy to ignore the ‘little’ things, til they are ‘big’ things…like room cleaning.  What could daily be five minutes turns into a half-a-Saturday job when not kept up with.  But the nagging and having to constantly be telling each one what they are supposed to be doing annoys both them and me.  So here’s the solution I employed the beginning of this week…and while we are only a few days in, I’m honestly amazed at the results.

I printed off a list of everything that each child has to do, for the entire week.  Some are daily, some are weekly, or any variation in between.  Frequencies were noted.  I also put on the ‘general reminders’ that I am constantly.and.forever.saying., like “put away the TV pillows/blankets”, “put the remotes back”, “put DVD’s back in the cases”…and all those types of annoying little things.  I listed them on the bottom of each child’s sheet.  I handed them out, and in a calm and even tone said…

“Consider these like time sheet at a job.  You need to show what you’ve done for the week.  At the end of the week, when you turn them in, allowance will be based on what you’ve done…or not done.  It is no longer to be assumed that you will get the set amount of allowance that you have been, or that you will get any at all.  I don’t think I should have to be reminding any of you about these things all the time.  It’s very clear here what your responsibilities are…and YOU are responsible for them.  I will not remind you…I will just not pay you for what’s not been done.  Simple as that.”

And then I haven’t said anything else about it.  And AMAZINGLY, things are getting done.  I was actually shocked to see things, multiple times now, done without a single word.  Or attitude.  In fact…it’s been quite a learning experience about one of the kids…he has been nearly giddy about the list.  It’s changed his overall attitude as a whole.  He is very happy to have it all laid out clearly for him, with a measurable way to mark progress, and has even been looking for ‘extra’ things to add!!  I told him “If you do extra things, that’s great, but there’s not going to be ‘extra’ allowance…these are just what you have to do to get your ‘normal’ allowance.”  He replied “Oh, I know!!  I just like having jobs!”  Well, good grief…had I realized all I had to do was put my nagging in list form, I would have done it ages ago!

We also were delayed in doing our complaining jar, but finally got around to it, and I will say, I have noted less complaining the past few days.  (Granted, sometimes instead of an attitude change, it has simply turned to silent brooding…which I’m not sure is a better trade off…but that’s a different battle entirely.)

Now, lest it sound like I’ve made great strides in anything, let me just be real and say…these are merely baby steps.  We are working through some very trying stuff right now.  We have attitudes and behaviors that need to be corrected, that are much more serious than chores and complaining.  They involve hurts, and identity struggles, and life transitions, and all sorts of more ‘internal’ stuff.  It’s kind of scary when your sweet little babies  start becoming people of their own, who you can no longer simply dictate actions and behaviors to, but have to start engaging with them to help them to make some tough decisions and choices and changes that have to be coming from within them, rather than without. 

Really, I suppose all of parenting is this process…  From the day they are born, each day after is merely another day of releasing them, moving closer to the goal of them being fully autonomous, responsible adults.  It’s weird to think of that way, but the choices they learn to make, every skill they learn, from dressing themselves to driving a car, is really propelling them forward to being on their own.  And daily, we parents can help or hinder the process.  And what seems like it’s ‘easier’ on us now (“here, just let me do that…”), will only actually serve to make it harder on them later.  So, exhausting as it is, I’m determined to keep my nose to the grindstone, and do lots and LOTS of praying…and look forward to the day of shared adult friendship with these people that I call my children.

20 things…don’t overestimate

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I guess the gist of this post is…maybe thinking that I have learned 20 things about marriage in 20 years may have been overestimating myself.

Or maybe I have ‘learned’ some things, but haven’t quite been able to successfully live them yet (especially things that relate to time and priorities and such), so I don’t really feel like I can really address them quite yet.

In any case, it’s still a half decent thing to keep in mind…  Don’t presume to know more about marriage than you do.  You might be surprised…I’m still learning every day…and remembering that does me some good.

words

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Today is the ‘National Day of Prayer’.  That sounds very formal and religious and whenever I mix the word National and Prayer it makes me squirm a bit.  I’m not big on mixing my patriotism with my allegiance.  (Yeah, go ahead and chew on that one a bit…)  ;)   And while we’re on it, I’m not a big fan of ‘formal’ and ‘religious’ anything either…

However, it has got me thinking about prayer.

Words have always been my friend.  I loved English classes all through school, and I even adored Handwriting too, because I just found it enjoyable forming all those lovely letters into beautiful words of art.  In high school, when I, like everyone else, was worrying about an upcoming test…UNlike everyone else who was frantically saying “I hope there’s no essay questions!!”…I was pleading silently that the whole thing was essays!  Because words I can do.  Even if I didn’t know the details of the answers, I felt confident in my ability to talk the teachers in circles enough to make them think I knew what I was talking about.

I just love words.

Sometimes, though, things can, and even should,be processed without words.  Those things are hard for me.  Occasionally, words just don’t come, or the ones that do only bring hurt or confusion or frustration.  I occasionally have ‘verbal diarrhea’, because it helps me to unload…in essence back that emotional dump truck up on someone and let it fly.  It helps me feel better.  But that’s not always good.   I’m finding (and you’d think I would, and should, know this by now)…while it may be helpful to me, it’s usually unhelpful to others.  Sometimes my words show too much raw emotion…sometimes they are so tangled up in my emotions that they haven’t even been fully thought through by myself.  Letting them fly all unprocessed and unrefined and unweighed usually isn’t a good thing.

Often my words ‘bowl over’ the receiver.  Often they leave me regretful for letting them escape.

So, I’m trying to learn that sometimes I need to take my words to God FIRST.  That I can barrage Him with all my annoyances, frustrations, hurts, hopes, dreams and silly ideas…all the things that wear out my near and dear ones, but never Him

I’m trying to learn that when I see the awesome idea on Pinterest, that sparks 50 more crazy ideas in my head, it’s probably best that I turn to Him, before someone else with my grandiose thoughts and schemes, and see what He thinks of it.

I’m trying to learn that when I have a reactionary response to even in my own life, my community, or even something in the news, like a political hot topic, I should verbalize it to Him first, and let my processing begin to happen there.

I need to learn that my thoughts and opinions are NOT so all-important that they need to be hot off the presses of my brain straight to the world.

I need to learn to filter, and to let prayer BE the filter.

We often think of prayer as some big holy experience, saved for the emergency situations, the desperate times, and the moments when we can kneel in reverent silence. Really, prayer is just talking with God.  It’s about words.  Mine to Him…His to me.  I don’t need to be on my knees…I can just as easily be in the car or on the couch.  I can actually verbalize my “ah-ha!” moments right to God.

I’m thinking that the ‘prayer life’ that I need to cultivate is the spontaneous one.  It’s the “Oh, wow God…do you think we could do this, because this would be so awesome, and it would mean that we could do X, Y and Z?!?!?” conversations that I need to remember are okay to have with Him.  The crazed look in my eye, and the increasing pitch of my voice wouldn’t cause the sheer panic in Him that it does in my husband, or my friends.  (And then when I’ve really talked it out, I might come the realization of the not so grandness of it after all, while totally skipping the step of causing Todd a near heart-attack.)

My ‘prayer life’ needs to be pouring out to God how frustrated, annoyed and so totally done I get with the world’s situations that get discussed and debated and ranted about and posted about til I am sick.to.death. of hearing one more thought about them…and yet know these are the realities of the world we live in, and sticking my head in the sand really doesn’t help either.

I need to engage with Him first, if I have any hope of engaging healthily anywhere else.

My prayer life needs to be, most of all, saturated with a willingness to sometimes quiet myself, after I’ve dumped the truckload of words, and allow God’s words to come…to sooth, to calm, to refresh, to re-energize.

Because I sometimes forget that while I love ‘my’ words, I must really love His Words even more.  Because His Words are life.  His Words are strength and power and healing.  Sometimes I need to choose to stop my words, and soak in His Words.

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength…”  ~Isaiah 30:15

20 things…marriage is not Vegas

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Many people seem to view a marriage on the same terms as Vegas…“what happens here, stays here.”

las-vegas-mirror---what-happens-in-vegas-stays-in-vegas

But today I’m going to propose to you that one of the worst things you can do is go it alone.

Heading into marriage, Todd and I basically thought we had it ‘made in the shade’.  We both came from solid, Christian families, grew up in the church, did the premarital counseling (faithfully completing homework assignments and all).  After we were married we attended marriage retreats, and listened to Focus on the Family ‘religiously’…(pun intended).  We had everything going for us.

Except that, reality was (of course…duh!) that we were (and are!) very imperfect people.  That marriage isn’t based on textbooks.  And all the information in the world doesn’t necessarily make a healthy relationship. Those factors alone just aren’t enough.

There came a point when we were hurting.  Badly.  After 6 years, and some of the major life stresses you hit in that time period…jobs, house buying, having a baby…well, it took it’s toll.  We were relationally burned out, and no matter how much information Dobson and Rainey gave us, something was lacking.  We were not meeting each other’s needs, didn’t really know why, or how, or what was going wrong.  We were venturing into murky waters.

There came a point where I expressed that I thought maybe we should go for some marriage counseling.  I was feeling desperate.  Todd resisted, feeling, I guess, like we should already know what to do.  We’d ‘learned’ so much.  What ‘new’ thing was anyone going to tell us?  His feeling was that somehow we just must be failing spiritually.  We must need to pray more…or something.

And so, while continuing as youth leaders, worship team members, regular (and multiple) Bible study attenders…we crashed and burned.  Everything I *knew* in my head, just didn’t matter one iota to my heart anymore.

You see, marriage is a lot like parenting in that, having all the information in the world doesn’t necessarily make you ‘good’ at it.  We need people.  We need trusted friends, mentors, counselors, who we not only allow to see the reality of our lives, but that we also give the freedom to give us input and feedback.  We need to be willing to listen..and actually hear and consider…with an open heart what they say.

I realize this simply isn’t an easy thing for many people.  There are so many factors at play.  Maybe it’s not just here, but it seems especially here in my little spot in the Northeastern U.S., the general sense is…“Keep family matters private.”  For whatever reason, we think what happens behind closed doors should stay there…locked up tight.  And certainly, by all means…I’m not saying that every detail of our marriages or even family lives should be aired for public fodder.  However…if we never let anyone in to the real places…the disagreements, the hurts, the sins…it can become a dark and confusing place that we can easily and quickly lose our way in.

Shame is usually a factor.  Especially if you grew up in the church.  There’s an unspoken (or maybe even spoken!) “You should know better“.

Maybe pride comes into play…not wanting anyone to see or know our shortcomings or weaknesses.  Dare I say it…even our sin.

Opening our lives to the light of the outside world, and allowing others to not only see, but speak into it, can be a very difficult thing for some.  It can be embarrassing, risky…even possibly painful.  But in the long-run healthy input from those who are in relationship with us can be lifesaving.

If you are stuck in a crazy cycle of miscommunication, hurt, confusion or sinful or harmful habits, I would strongly encourage you to enlist some outside help.  The perspective of outside eyes…those not entrenched in the difficulty…can be refreshing and freeing.  They will see things you can’t.  They can point out things that you might be unaware of…or unwilling to acknowledge on your own.

If you have been the type that we were, saying “But we are Todd and Jessi…we are supposed to have it together!”…please, oh please…just stop.  Know the reality…no one…I DON’T CARE HOW GOOD THEY LOOK…has it all together.  (They might not know they don’t…but at some point, it usually comes up to smack them in the face…like it did us.) Nearly everyone…if not everyone…struggles at some point.  The simple reality of life is that there are difficult season, and unexpected trials.  But not everyone is done-in by the struggles.  Sometimes, when dealt with healthily, the struggles can even help you come out stronger.

People who have amazing, successful marriages don’t usually go it alone.  They most often have healthy relationships with others, who can offer them help and insight when things get rough and murky.  Sometimes this comes from friends, sometimes church leaders, sometimes professional counselors.  (In our case, personally, it was all of these!)  Wherever you are able to find this source of mediation and perspective and input…please just reach out for some.  (Though, I would offer a word of caution that it is the very rare case when this type of input comes from a family member.  It is rather hard…and really, unfair…to expect a member of either side of your family to be able to give completely unbiased input.  It’s better to find some neutral parties that you both are able to trust and accept input from.)

Just remember…struggle is normal.  Difficulties are to be expected.  It’s what you do when they come that matters.  Don’t hide, don’t go it alone.  Don’t let pride or shame or stigmas stand in the way of seeking help.  There’s nothing wrong…and everything right…with reaching out to others.

And when you are able to weather the storms, you’ll be amazed how much stronger you’ll come through the other side.  You’ll be surprised to find that what our spiritual enemy meant for harm, God will use for good.  You’ll be blown away to see God take what was a trial, and…if you allow Him…turn it into a tool in your hand.  A tool that you’ll be able to use to help others build and repair their own marriages, in the way that someone helped you.

It’s an awesome thing to experience.  I’ve been blessed to see it time and again.  And every single time, I give thanks, not only for God bringing us through, but also for the people that he used in our lives.

Don’t go it alone!!