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20 things…marriage is not Vegas

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Many people seem to view a marriage on the same terms as Vegas…“what happens here, stays here.”

las-vegas-mirror---what-happens-in-vegas-stays-in-vegas

But today I’m going to propose to you that one of the worst things you can do is go it alone.

Heading into marriage, Todd and I basically thought we had it ‘made in the shade’.  We both came from solid, Christian families, grew up in the church, did the premarital counseling (faithfully completing homework assignments and all).  After we were married we attended marriage retreats, and listened to Focus on the Family ‘religiously’…(pun intended).  We had everything going for us.

Except that, reality was (of course…duh!) that we were (and are!) very imperfect people.  That marriage isn’t based on textbooks.  And all the information in the world doesn’t necessarily make a healthy relationship. Those factors alone just aren’t enough.

There came a point when we were hurting.  Badly.  After 6 years, and some of the major life stresses you hit in that time period…jobs, house buying, having a baby…well, it took it’s toll.  We were relationally burned out, and no matter how much information Dobson and Rainey gave us, something was lacking.  We were not meeting each other’s needs, didn’t really know why, or how, or what was going wrong.  We were venturing into murky waters.

There came a point where I expressed that I thought maybe we should go for some marriage counseling.  I was feeling desperate.  Todd resisted, feeling, I guess, like we should already know what to do.  We’d ‘learned’ so much.  What ‘new’ thing was anyone going to tell us?  His feeling was that somehow we just must be failing spiritually.  We must need to pray more…or something.

And so, while continuing as youth leaders, worship team members, regular (and multiple) Bible study attenders…we crashed and burned.  Everything I *knew* in my head, just didn’t matter one iota to my heart anymore.

You see, marriage is a lot like parenting in that, having all the information in the world doesn’t necessarily make you ‘good’ at it.  We need people.  We need trusted friends, mentors, counselors, who we not only allow to see the reality of our lives, but that we also give the freedom to give us input and feedback.  We need to be willing to listen..and actually hear and consider…with an open heart what they say.

I realize this simply isn’t an easy thing for many people.  There are so many factors at play.  Maybe it’s not just here, but it seems especially here in my little spot in the Northeastern U.S., the general sense is…“Keep family matters private.”  For whatever reason, we think what happens behind closed doors should stay there…locked up tight.  And certainly, by all means…I’m not saying that every detail of our marriages or even family lives should be aired for public fodder.  However…if we never let anyone in to the real places…the disagreements, the hurts, the sins…it can become a dark and confusing place that we can easily and quickly lose our way in.

Shame is usually a factor.  Especially if you grew up in the church.  There’s an unspoken (or maybe even spoken!) “You should know better“.

Maybe pride comes into play…not wanting anyone to see or know our shortcomings or weaknesses.  Dare I say it…even our sin.

Opening our lives to the light of the outside world, and allowing others to not only see, but speak into it, can be a very difficult thing for some.  It can be embarrassing, risky…even possibly painful.  But in the long-run healthy input from those who are in relationship with us can be lifesaving.

If you are stuck in a crazy cycle of miscommunication, hurt, confusion or sinful or harmful habits, I would strongly encourage you to enlist some outside help.  The perspective of outside eyes…those not entrenched in the difficulty…can be refreshing and freeing.  They will see things you can’t.  They can point out things that you might be unaware of…or unwilling to acknowledge on your own.

If you have been the type that we were, saying “But we are Todd and Jessi…we are supposed to have it together!”…please, oh please…just stop.  Know the reality…no one…I DON’T CARE HOW GOOD THEY LOOK…has it all together.  (They might not know they don’t…but at some point, it usually comes up to smack them in the face…like it did us.) Nearly everyone…if not everyone…struggles at some point.  The simple reality of life is that there are difficult season, and unexpected trials.  But not everyone is done-in by the struggles.  Sometimes, when dealt with healthily, the struggles can even help you come out stronger.

People who have amazing, successful marriages don’t usually go it alone.  They most often have healthy relationships with others, who can offer them help and insight when things get rough and murky.  Sometimes this comes from friends, sometimes church leaders, sometimes professional counselors.  (In our case, personally, it was all of these!)  Wherever you are able to find this source of mediation and perspective and input…please just reach out for some.  (Though, I would offer a word of caution that it is the very rare case when this type of input comes from a family member.  It is rather hard…and really, unfair…to expect a member of either side of your family to be able to give completely unbiased input.  It’s better to find some neutral parties that you both are able to trust and accept input from.)

Just remember…struggle is normal.  Difficulties are to be expected.  It’s what you do when they come that matters.  Don’t hide, don’t go it alone.  Don’t let pride or shame or stigmas stand in the way of seeking help.  There’s nothing wrong…and everything right…with reaching out to others.

And when you are able to weather the storms, you’ll be amazed how much stronger you’ll come through the other side.  You’ll be surprised to find that what our spiritual enemy meant for harm, God will use for good.  You’ll be blown away to see God take what was a trial, and…if you allow Him…turn it into a tool in your hand.  A tool that you’ll be able to use to help others build and repair their own marriages, in the way that someone helped you.

It’s an awesome thing to experience.  I’ve been blessed to see it time and again.  And every single time, I give thanks, not only for God bringing us through, but also for the people that he used in our lives.

Don’t go it alone!!

20 things…don’t be dissin’ the one you love

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(At the repeated request from my husband to come up with a new “Marriage Monday” photo…instead of the outdated one I had used previously…here it is…)  :) new marriage mondays

A few years ago, a good friend of ours totally called me out on something.  I remember the incident like it was yesterday.  We were sitting at our dining room table, having a discussion (about what, I don’t remember) but I do know that Todd and I were disagreeing.  The conversation involved four of us…both my husband and myself, and another couple friend, who has walked with us through the worst times in our marriage…and pretty much earned the right to say anything they want to us.  And so, our friend did.

Upon hearing Todd’s point of view on the issues (whatever it was), rather than making a snide comeback (as I am prone to do), I simply gave a dramatic eye roll.

You know, the kind that screamed “OMG..I have never heard anything so utterly ridiculous in my entire life…PUH-LEASE!!!!”…all without uttering a sound.

Our friend pointed out to me, that what I had done, without saying a word, had totally dissed my hubby.

(Don’t worry, this isn’t a mini-sermon about how wives should quietly just go along with whatever their husband’s opinion is…you should know me better than that!!  Our friends are equal-opportunity challengers, and they’ve challenged Todd on plenty of things too.  I’m just sharing my own dirt right now.)

I innocently exclaimed “What??  I didn’t even SAY anything.”  But the fact was…and what our friend, Pete, flat out told me was…

“You rolling your eyes said a ton!  It showed that you completely disrespect his opinion!”

Ugh.

You see, in the early days of our wedded (*ahem*) bliss I would regularly ‘bash’ my husband in public settings.  I thought…or claimed…that it was all in good fun.  I mean…what wives don’t make fun of their husbands?  And vise versa?

Normal?  Maybe.  Good?  Probably not so much.  Disrespectful?  Absolutely.

You see, the first time we were challenged on this (I believe also by the same friends, years earlier, that called me out on the eye-rolling incident), I didn’t realize…or want to accept...how actually hurtful this kind of disrespecting is.  When Todd pointed out to me that it really bothered him when I did that…made fun of him in front of others…I initially wanted to blow it off.  I said I was just teasing.  I said what I was saying was true.  I tried six ways to Sunday to justify it.

But then I realized something, and it snagged my heart.

I realized, he almost never made fun of me in public, and the very few times he had, it really had kinda stung.  I wasn’t even aware of the fact that he purposely chose not to engage in this kind of talk, much less appreciative of it…but it was true.  And the reason he didn’t make fun of me was basically because he knew how hurtful it felt to him when I did it.

Ugh, again.

Now, I’m not talking about good-natured teasing…I’m all for believing that it’s completely healthy (and a necessary life skill) to be able to laugh at yourself.  But if you have ever hung out with a group of married couples for any length of time, you probably know what I mean…  There’s this weird point where, what may have started out as good ‘fun’, suddenly gets really awkward, and you realize that the good-natured teasing has crossed over into firing little nukes at one another.  The loaded comments about the in-laws, the housekeeping, the appearance, the job…whatever it is…you just know are a bit more real than anyone wants to admit.

There just seems to be this air of… “I’m-just-teasing-but-I’m-also-dead-freakin’-serious-and-you-know-it”…hanging in the room.  There’s smiles all around, but also gritted teeth and flashing eyes.

And in the worst cases, the room suddenly joins in the battle, and the men and women square up on opposite sides.  It becomes a Husbands vs. Wives throw-down.  And while everyone giggles…I get a little uncomfortable.

I get uncomfortable because I know the reality all too well of, after hiding behind the cheesy smiles, getting in the car for the full-blown real-deal.  I used to live this reality all the time.

Until somebody called us on it.  Until Todd and I admitted to each other how much we hated these little fire-starters, and agreed that we should not publicly taunt or trash-talk each other.  Until we agreed that it was disrespectful…by both of us, to both of us.  Until we made a concerted effort to stop.

Again, let me reiterate…it’s different to have genuine playful teasing or bantering.  An example, for us, of innocuous banter would be Todd teasing me about being, what he refers to as, ‘fiery’ or ‘passionate’.  I don’t mind when he makes fun of those things, because I know the reality is…he actually LOVES those things about me.  There’s no hidden agenda, no underhanded attempt to air grievances.  He knows quite well the flash in my eyes, and the set of my jaw…and he is always telling me how it makes him laugh and that he finds it attractive.  So if we are in a group setting and he starts poking fun of my ‘fieriness’, there’s no sting at all, because no matter what he’s saying in that moment, I am fully assured that he has no problem with that part of my personality.

I’m talking strictly about taking opportunity to, basically, shame, ridicule or otherwise publicly insult your spouse, under the guise of ‘joking’.  It’s not cool.  It’s hurtful.  And it’s something that wise spouses won’t do.  It took me a bit to learn that, and even when I thought I had…I still had a bit more to go.  (Let’s be honest…I still do.)  But I at least try to be aware, (especially when I’m upset), not to resort to the sarcastic, biting, public ‘roasting’ of my hubby.

Even when it’s only done with my eyes…because they can speak volumes too.

Don’t be dissin’ the one you love.

That’s what I learned.  Does this resonate with you?  Do you tend toward taking pot-shots?  Have you ever actually talked about it with your spouse, and been open to really hearing how they feel about these types of conversations?

Might I be so bold as to suggest you start a discussion with your loved one about this, and be open to making an effort to change in areas they say they find hurtful?  I think you’ll find it has the potential to have a big positive impact on your relationship!

salt the oats

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“They say ‘you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink’, however…you can salt the oats.”

This is something a dear friend and mentor used to say to us.  By it he meant, you can’t force things on people, but you can make them curious enough to actually want to hear what you have to say.

Lately, in social media, I’ve been seeing a lot of dragging to the water, but very little oat salting.

Of course, by it’s very nature, social media platforms are the place where we all offer up our every thought, opinion and stance on every issue imaginable.  And obviously, by the very fact that I have a blog, I myself am included in this, so please, as you read, don’t feel like what I’m saying is passing a judgement.  I’m basically just wondering ‘aloud’ if there’s a more effective way to do things sometimes.

The past few days have seen an especially high surge of stance-taking in the social media world.  Obviously this is in correlation to the Supreme Court’s consideration of gay marriage.  It seems everyone-and-their-brother’s-cousin feels the need to post some picture, quote or explanation declaring which side of the battle lines they are on.  Not a question left in anyone’s mind…for better or for worse.

As I watch the statuses, pictures and quotes pour forth in my newsfeed, it sort of just made me resolve not to take this approach.  Here’s why.

It seem to me that it is proverbially leading the horses to water, but I’m pretty sure no one is drinking.  We all probably know, or at least have a darn good guess, where each person on our ‘friends’ list stands on “The Issue”, if you know them at all.  And yet still, we feel it our need to make our vote known to the world.  But I wonder why?  What’s the point?  Is it to show solidarity with our side?  Is it because we feel that it’s our duty to ‘defend’?  Or, as I suspect, is it that we are hoping, in some small way, to actually have an influence in the discussion at large?

Which leads me to then wonder if a “less is more” approach might be better suited on such occasions.  If you really are looking to make a difference by sharing your opinion…maybe rather that slapping up that plus or equal sign, or whatever is currently trending, maybe just an ambiguous statement, quote or question that makes people go “Huh??”  Keep them guessing.  It might make actually make someone *want* to know what you think…make them wonder why you’re taking a different route than everyone else.  If someone actually ASKS you your opinion, you already have a more open door of influence than you would by the unsolicited statement.  Maybe if we stop making declarations, and rather, draw people into a real, honest, loving, and intelligent dialogue, we might actually engage and garner some influence, as opposed to just planting ourselves and staking our flag with the group that already agrees with us.

Maybe not.  I could be totally out in left field.

But then again…maybe.  And in this case, I think, if the point of posting our stance is to ‘make a difference’, I wonder if we wouldn’t do well to take a lesson from my wise friend, and simply…

Salt the oats.

20 things…learn together

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Welcome to “Marriage Monday”….on Tuesday.  I know, I know…you probably thought I forgot I was doing a series, as it has been more than one week that I’ve missed posting.  It seems every year March is a phenomenally busy month for us, and throw in a bunch of sickness on top, and, well…ya know.  I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance if this post seems a little disjointed or doesn’t quite make sense.  I’m currently all hopped up on cold medicines that are making me feel a little spacey.  I didn’t want to keep putting off posting any more, but I must say… I can’t quite promise how coherent this will come out!

Anyway…

Marriage mondaysToday I want to highlight how important learning together has been for us.  While I realize this might look vastly different for different couples, (as some people are more interested by book or classroom learning, while others are not), but I still think the general principal can be applied.

We were about 8 years into our marriage when Todd went to school for ministry training.  On occasion I was able to attend classes with him, and we both loved making that a date, and it always stirred good conversation.  In later years, when I attended the school, we still tried to do the same, or minimally, plan to have some time together after the classes to process through the information together.  For us, this served to keep us ‘on the same page’, very often, with the things that would be churning through our brains, and be fuel for some great discussions.

We have found the same benefits to reading books together (or blogs, or listening to podcasts, etc.).  Not that we sit and ‘read aloud’ with one another, but we will both have the same general information churning through our brains at the same time, and we find it gives us fodder for deeper conversation than who’s-running-who-where or the weather.  Brain stimulation is good, and in the day-to-day trenches of parenting, can quite easily be forgotten.

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20 things…help each other

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Seems like “help each other” would be an unnecessary bit of information to point out when it comes to marriage, doesn’t it?

Well, at least in our marriage…at least for me…it’s not.  And while this series has been things that I’ve said I’ve ‘learned’ in our 20 years of being wed, I should probably retract that statement and clarify.  Maybe I should rephrase it as “20 Things I’m LearnING”.  As in, definitely don’t have mastered yet…but at least aware of.

I can appreciate good irony…though not so much when it’s happening in my own life.  Yesterday I preached a sermon on ‘engaging’.  As in, “being aware of and interacting with”.  In my message it was in the context of culture, mission and our world.  This morning I’m giving myself a swift kick in the pants upon realizing that I need to tell myself the same thing when it comes to my own household.  I need to engage!

Sometimes life can get to be a lot, and it feels like in order to stay sane, we *have* to stay in our groove.  Focus.  Keep your head in the game.  Yet, while we are busily being focused on our own game, we can forget about our ‘teammates’.

Marriage is definitely a team sport, and it’s bad news to overlook or forget that.

Staying aware not only of what is on my own plate, but trying to be aware of Todd, and what he’s juggling, is something I admittedly need to work on.  When the kids were little I was totally drowning in babies and diapers and teething.  I relied heavily on Todd to come to my rescue on a daily basis.  Now that the kids are bigger, I feel a good amount of release from that intensity of neediness that infants and toddlers have.  However, some of that intensity has shifted to Todd.

For example, in our household, I’m pretty much banned from helping with math homework.  This is not only externally imposed, by children who want help achieving correct answers (they are so finicky that way!), and a husband who would rather not have to UNteach them my erroneous ways, but also by myself, because it’s easier for me not to deal with math homework.  It’s a blessed relief when I can say “I’m sorry, you’ll need to wait and ask Dad.”

Same goes for little league.  Goodness knows I’ve never had a sports-oriented bone in my body (at least when it comes to participation), so when we are talking about practices, coaching or parent vs. kid games…it’s a given.  I’m out.  Dad to the rescue.

Our oldest is now driving.  In addition to having heart palpitations at the mere thought of her behind the wheel, I will honestly admit that I don’t have enough confidence in myself to be able to teach her well.  So who’s up?  You guessed it…Dad.

This season has bought me a ‘pass’ in many ways, which I’ve happily enough cashed in and moved on to the plethora of other things that I actually am still needed for.  (Lest you get the impression I’m sitting home eating bon-bons and watching soap operas all day!)  Problem is…that drowning feeling I had in the ‘little people’ years, Todd is now battling.  I tend to forget that him rescuing me almost daily could be repaid now.  He actually needs my help, in many of the same ways I needed his.

Jump in and do what’s being neglected…even if it’s not my ‘job’.

Offer to do the unexpected.

Go out of the way to perceive the unspoken need.

These are the things I tend to forget about.  It gets so easy to keep my head down and my nose to the grindstone.  But I need to look up and look around…see how I can help.

It’s not that we have ‘his’ and ‘hers’ jobs (based on gender)…we simply play to our strengths, and sometimes forget about things the other one normally does.  I don’t tend to maintain the cars, or take care of outside stuff like shoveling or lawn maintenance…not because I think they are ‘man jobs’, but just because, Todd knows more about mechanics, and is physically stronger.  I tend to cook and clean, not because it’s ‘woman’s work’, but because I’m home more, so it makes sense for us.  However, in a season where I know he’s crunched for time, I will sometimes mow the lawn, or offer to call the garage to schedule car maintenance.  When I’m loaded up with church stuff, or school activities with the kids, or, say…getting a blog up and running…Todd often happily volunteers to cover making dinner and picking up groceries.

We are far less concerned about ‘roles’, based on gender, and much more focused on what works.  But occasionally I forget that it might not be ‘working’ for him at any given point, and so I need to cultivate awareness of when he needs help.  Sometimes I need a gentle reminder when I’m not being particularly good at ‘engaging’.

It’s not quite this bad…

…but he did casually mention in passing last week… “You know I’m not the type of person to really ask for help, right?” 

Uh…hello?!?!  I think it went right over my head at first.  I unintentionally blew off his gentle nudge that was saying…“Yo, a little help over here?!”

Thankfully, we talked about it.  He shared with me that life is just a bit much right now, and I started trying to be aware of what I could do to ease that some.  I woke up to the fact that he’s experiencing an intense season…and needs my help.  Just like I needed his help.

We were made to work together, and to serve one another.

Sometimes I just need a little reminder.

Help each other.

So tell me…  How do you cultivate awareness of one another?  What are the signs you look for that life might be a little much for your spouse at the moment?  And what are some things that you find helps to even out the load a bit?

(Hmmm…I do believe this leads beautifully into a post about ‘ezer’…what it means to be a ‘helper’…  Probably not what you’re thinking…or maybe so.  Guess it depends how well you know me by now.)  ;)