file a complaint…5 cents, please

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I know it’s Marriage Monday, but I’ve had something else ruminating in my brain for a few days, so I’m posting this today, and promise that the MM post will be up first thing tomorrow.  You can hold me to it.  ;)

Being Monday and the start of a new week, I’m going to put out a challenge, that I’ve been thinking of instituting here at home, and for myself on social media as well.

I’m proposing a ban on complaining.

complain stop sign

Seriously…for the next two weeks, I’m going to try to tackle something that practically comes as naturally to me as breathing. I can tend to be quite a complainer.  Not the worst offender ever (some folks on Facebook seem to live there, in Complaintsville…nothing is ever good or right), but I’m definitely far from being “little miss sunshine”.  I talk about the good, but I think that a bit too often I whine about the negatives…

I complain about all manner of things…from the weather, to being tired, to my sanity, to my silly food cravings.  (To the point that one of my daughter’s friends said the other week…”So I’m guessing from your mom’s Facebook posts that your house is a mess and she REALLY wants chocolate covered pomegranates?”  And that about accurately summed up my week.  Sad.)

Last night we had an incident with one of the kids that made it really stand out to me how much I am passing these ungrateful, complaining ways on, very strongly, to my offspring.  I have been quite frustrated with the amount of selfishness, whining and ungratefulness I’ve seen in them of late.  But it has been a bit slower in dawning on me how much of this they really do glean from…me.

Blech.  I hate those parenting moments where you’re just so irritated at something and then realize that it’s probably, nearly 100% induced by my own behavior or bad habits! 

I have been thinking about how much my own tendency toward complaining is so annoying (to me, and to others, I’m sure!), and I really don’t want to raise another batch of complainers.  So,  I finally decided, we really need to address this…and not in a way that just focuses on it being a ‘kid’ problem, but a ‘family’ problem. 

In fact, in the process of working on this post, this quote just happened to appear in my Facebook feed…

 

“What you dislike in another, take care to correct in yourself.” ~ Thomas Sprat

So, I’m thinking of making it a challenge…with a tangible reward.  Both the kids, and admittedly I, go for things a lot better when it’s got a short time-limit on it, and a prize associated with it.  I like prizes. ;)

Here’s the deal…I’m going to give each of them a roll of nickels.  There will be a jar on the dining room table, and each time one of us complains, we have to drop in one of our nickels.

Now, in addition to less complaining equaling keeping the nickels we started with…this will also give a practical lesson of the biblical principle “to him who is faithful with little, he (or she) will be given more.”  Because not only will we get to keep the nickels we started with…whoever has the most nickels at the end (meaning they did the least amount of complaining!) will also get the entire jar’s accumulated amount.

Pretty sweet deal if you ask me!

Except, of course, for the part where we don’t get to complain for two weeks.  That might be a little tough.

I’ll admit this isn’t the first time I’ve tried to change my complaining ways.  Heck, I’ve even justified them, on occasion, with scripture!

Actually, I honestly do think that God knows that we are only human, and it’s totally legit to sometimes be frustrated and just need to vent.  We do get tired…worn down by life’s circumstances…and sometimes we need to let it out.  There are real hardships in life, and I’m not meaning to minimize them.  (Though, admittedly, my not having chocolate covered poms at my fingertips really does NOT count as a hardship.)  In fact, just being real about our feelings and frustrations, and sharing them with others can definitely help us feel better.  We can certainly see the truth of this in the Bible…for goodness sakes there’s a whole book called LAMENTATIONS…full of laments!!  David himself talked of pouring out his complaints…

“I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles.”  ~Psalm 142:2

However…I think there’s a difference between venting, in a way that helps us to unload a burden or process through a situation that in the end helps bring relief, freedom or sometimes even a solution…and merely whining for the purpose of self-pity, or to evoke sympathy from others for our momentary ‘plight’.

So, in a sense, there’s a good ‘complaint’, and a bad complaint.  Just like there’s good (constructive) criticism and just tearing someone down.  It’s about the heart attitude and motive more than the actual words.  We could ask ourselves…”Why am I voicing this complaint?  Do I legitimately want helpful feedback?  Or am I just feeding my misery?” 

Do I want an answer, or do I just revel in the complaining itself?  And if I just like complaining…what is that producing in my life?  Gratefulness, or growing discontent?

This week, I want to be intentional to try to convey the difference to my kids, and to work on really learning the difference myself.  I want myself, and them, to be able to identify when we need to really talk about our feelings, or when we’re just grumbling and complaining out of selfishness or laziness or some other character issue that we might need to work on.  I’m not looking to shut down emotions, or just put on a happy face, but rather, that we learn that not EVERYTHING is a trial, but when there is a hardship, it’s okay to lament…to God (as David did), which is surely a constructive avenue…and to others who might be able to help bring a solution to the problem.  But if we are neither truly desiring help or change (that might need to come from our own selves), then we probably would all benefit from curtailing the whining and learn to focus on the massive amount of things we have to be thankful for, instead of bemoaning the slight inconveniences and thinking of them as hardships.

I realize this process might be akin to untangling spaghetti…but I’m feeling just optimistic enough at the moment to go for it. 

And who knows…maybe I’ll come out the winner and can reward myself with a nice Venti latte…

“Do everything without complaining or arguing…”  ~Philipians 2:14

And to end on a light note…a little humor to demonstrate the point…

stop-complainingHow about you?  Do you battle whining and complaining?  Is it others, or yourself, where you notice it most?  And most importantly…”Whatcha gonna do about it??”  ;)   Wanna take the challenge with us?  Leave me a comment to let me know if you’re going to tackle this one with us!

 

20 things…don’t be dissin’ the one you love

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(At the repeated request from my husband to come up with a new “Marriage Monday” photo…instead of the outdated one I had used previously…here it is…)  :) new marriage mondays

A few years ago, a good friend of ours totally called me out on something.  I remember the incident like it was yesterday.  We were sitting at our dining room table, having a discussion (about what, I don’t remember) but I do know that Todd and I were disagreeing.  The conversation involved four of us…both my husband and myself, and another couple friend, who has walked with us through the worst times in our marriage…and pretty much earned the right to say anything they want to us.  And so, our friend did.

Upon hearing Todd’s point of view on the issues (whatever it was), rather than making a snide comeback (as I am prone to do), I simply gave a dramatic eye roll.

You know, the kind that screamed “OMG..I have never heard anything so utterly ridiculous in my entire life…PUH-LEASE!!!!”…all without uttering a sound.

Our friend pointed out to me, that what I had done, without saying a word, had totally dissed my hubby.

(Don’t worry, this isn’t a mini-sermon about how wives should quietly just go along with whatever their husband’s opinion is…you should know me better than that!!  Our friends are equal-opportunity challengers, and they’ve challenged Todd on plenty of things too.  I’m just sharing my own dirt right now.)

I innocently exclaimed “What??  I didn’t even SAY anything.”  But the fact was…and what our friend, Pete, flat out told me was…

“You rolling your eyes said a ton!  It showed that you completely disrespect his opinion!”

Ugh.

You see, in the early days of our wedded (*ahem*) bliss I would regularly ‘bash’ my husband in public settings.  I thought…or claimed…that it was all in good fun.  I mean…what wives don’t make fun of their husbands?  And vise versa?

Normal?  Maybe.  Good?  Probably not so much.  Disrespectful?  Absolutely.

You see, the first time we were challenged on this (I believe also by the same friends, years earlier, that called me out on the eye-rolling incident), I didn’t realize…or want to accept...how actually hurtful this kind of disrespecting is.  When Todd pointed out to me that it really bothered him when I did that…made fun of him in front of others…I initially wanted to blow it off.  I said I was just teasing.  I said what I was saying was true.  I tried six ways to Sunday to justify it.

But then I realized something, and it snagged my heart.

I realized, he almost never made fun of me in public, and the very few times he had, it really had kinda stung.  I wasn’t even aware of the fact that he purposely chose not to engage in this kind of talk, much less appreciative of it…but it was true.  And the reason he didn’t make fun of me was basically because he knew how hurtful it felt to him when I did it.

Ugh, again.

Now, I’m not talking about good-natured teasing…I’m all for believing that it’s completely healthy (and a necessary life skill) to be able to laugh at yourself.  But if you have ever hung out with a group of married couples for any length of time, you probably know what I mean…  There’s this weird point where, what may have started out as good ‘fun’, suddenly gets really awkward, and you realize that the good-natured teasing has crossed over into firing little nukes at one another.  The loaded comments about the in-laws, the housekeeping, the appearance, the job…whatever it is…you just know are a bit more real than anyone wants to admit.

There just seems to be this air of… “I’m-just-teasing-but-I’m-also-dead-freakin’-serious-and-you-know-it”…hanging in the room.  There’s smiles all around, but also gritted teeth and flashing eyes.

And in the worst cases, the room suddenly joins in the battle, and the men and women square up on opposite sides.  It becomes a Husbands vs. Wives throw-down.  And while everyone giggles…I get a little uncomfortable.

I get uncomfortable because I know the reality all too well of, after hiding behind the cheesy smiles, getting in the car for the full-blown real-deal.  I used to live this reality all the time.

Until somebody called us on it.  Until Todd and I admitted to each other how much we hated these little fire-starters, and agreed that we should not publicly taunt or trash-talk each other.  Until we agreed that it was disrespectful…by both of us, to both of us.  Until we made a concerted effort to stop.

Again, let me reiterate…it’s different to have genuine playful teasing or bantering.  An example, for us, of innocuous banter would be Todd teasing me about being, what he refers to as, ‘fiery’ or ‘passionate’.  I don’t mind when he makes fun of those things, because I know the reality is…he actually LOVES those things about me.  There’s no hidden agenda, no underhanded attempt to air grievances.  He knows quite well the flash in my eyes, and the set of my jaw…and he is always telling me how it makes him laugh and that he finds it attractive.  So if we are in a group setting and he starts poking fun of my ‘fieriness’, there’s no sting at all, because no matter what he’s saying in that moment, I am fully assured that he has no problem with that part of my personality.

I’m talking strictly about taking opportunity to, basically, shame, ridicule or otherwise publicly insult your spouse, under the guise of ‘joking’.  It’s not cool.  It’s hurtful.  And it’s something that wise spouses won’t do.  It took me a bit to learn that, and even when I thought I had…I still had a bit more to go.  (Let’s be honest…I still do.)  But I at least try to be aware, (especially when I’m upset), not to resort to the sarcastic, biting, public ‘roasting’ of my hubby.

Even when it’s only done with my eyes…because they can speak volumes too.

Don’t be dissin’ the one you love.

That’s what I learned.  Does this resonate with you?  Do you tend toward taking pot-shots?  Have you ever actually talked about it with your spouse, and been open to really hearing how they feel about these types of conversations?

Might I be so bold as to suggest you start a discussion with your loved one about this, and be open to making an effort to change in areas they say they find hurtful?  I think you’ll find it has the potential to have a big positive impact on your relationship!

caught in the undertow…and hanging on for dear life!!

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Hey peeps…just popped in to say I’m a bit caught in the undertow of life right now…  I’ve been entrenched in middle school musicals, high school musicals,hs musical edited(though, not the kind with Troy and Gabriella and Sharpay and the gang), a tidal wave of permission slips for the plethora of spring field trips, little league practices, doing wedding flowers for a friend…and preparing for my first birthday celebration of the month.  (Yes, I did say first…I’m turning 40 this month (whaaaaaaat???) and planning to do it big and celebrate for weeks on end…)  ;)

So, sorry the posting has been spotty…but family comes first...and second…and third…and fourth…  You get the idea.  :)

I’ll be back soon…I promise!!

killing the Proverbs 31 woman…and other impossible standards

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Life just has so many ups and downs doesn’t it?  It can be hard to stay in the positive, and even hard to believe the truth.  The lies of the world and of the enemy of our souls crowd in on us and threaten to overtake.

I’m being completely honest to say, I can’t tell you how many times in the past few months alone that I have felt completely overwhelmed, overworked and like an epic failure at the things I’m attempting to do.

I know I am not alone in this.  I know that many of you reading share these sentiments.

And while I speak as a voice in the midst of the chaos…I’m still going to speak truth and hope.  To myself, and to you.

The first thing I want to say is, these ideals, the models, the facades that try to tell us the ‘standard’…we will never be, look like or achieve them.  They are not real.  And we need to look away.  Our eyes must hold only one focal point in the midst of these storms, and that is the person of Jesus Himself.

I don’t know about you, but having grown up in the church, I have had a lot of totally unattainable ideals set before me.  They are labeled as ‘Biblical’, which adds that extra dose of pressure to perform.  I mean, what Christian doesn’t want to live a ‘Biblical’ lifestyle?  The problem is, when we pick just certain words, phrases, chapters and verses to hold out as a standard, and not the whole of Scripture…we get a very convoluted picture of what and who we are supposed to be.

For example, let’s just “go there”.  The dreaded Proverbs 31 Woman.  I mean…c’mon.  We talk about the world presenting us an unattainable ‘super-woman’ standard…what about this chick that the church has held up as the ‘model woman’ for all-time?  I got so sick of hearing about her that I armed myself with this line of defense that I spouted at the mere mention of her non-named existence…

“She has servants.  Until I have servants, I am not discussing this.”

Seriously…who can do all that?  And the whole “rising before dawn” thing?  Yeah…I’m out on that one alone.  Sorry…no can do.

One of the most freeing and refreshing discoveries I’ve ever come to is the realization that this passage is NOT ABOUT A REAL LADY.  It’s more about wisdom and literature and principles…and rather than reinvent the wheel, you can check out the theology of that here and here.  (I love how Jenny Rae Armstrong addresses this whole topic…thanks for doing that work for me already, Jen!)  I can take down that nearly impossible standard from my mind, and be happy with gleaning some overall principles as opposed to being pressured to live up to the unattainable “godly woman”.  (Looking at that passage as if that were all supposed to be embodied in one actual person…the Mrs. Do-It All…I think it would be the equivalent of a spiritual air-brushing.  Ain’t NOBODY got it all THAT together!)  And if so, I think I’m gonna throw in the towel and focus on some earlier verses in that chapter…

“Let beer be for those who are perishing,
wine for those who are in anguish!
  Let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.”

~Proverbs 31:6-7

(Why is it I don’t ever remember *those* verses coming up in ladies Bible study??)

And then there’s just short little ‘snippet’ verses that we casually toss around like…

“Be holy because I am holy.” ~1 Peter 1:16

Oh, snap.  Once again…I’m out.

I’m pretty sure when I screamed at the kids, fumed at the driver going too slow in front of me, wallowed in some jealousy and cussed when I fell (all these were just this week…in addition to several other ‘unnamed’ sins) were definitely not “holy”.  Add it to my list of ‘fails’.

But wait…

Please, oh PLEASE let’s not disconnect this verse from it’s context, because otherwise, it simply becomes another thing to add to my list of “fails”.  If we step back and look at the whole of the letter, it tells us, in fact, that the only way we have a shot at doing this is by setting our ” hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

Not setting my hope fully on being ‘good enough’.

Fixing my eyes on Jesus.

Look, the Bible does equip us for life.  But not by setting impossible standards; rather it is by teaching us life-saving principles.  The misconstrued pressures and interpretations we take away from it, that drain us and leave us feeling defeated, are not God’s heart or intent for us.  There’s been interference, and we’re getting fuzzy signals.

When Jesus called Peter out of the boat in the midst of a storm, it would seem that it was a crazy and impossible thing.  And yet somehow, Peter did the impossible…he walked on water.  Not because his head told him that he could or should, not because he heard enough motivational speeches and Bible studies, and not because his doctrine convinced him of it.  Not because someone said “Good, ‘Biblical disciples can do this.”

Instead, it was a desperate act of abandon.  Peter was ONLY able to walk on water…do the impossible…because he gazed directly at Jesus.  And he began to sink the moment he took his eyes off of Jesus. The facts didn’t matter…he panicked and got overwhelmed.

I am just the same.

Sometimes my day to day living seems like as much of an ‘act of impossible’ as walking on water.  And my near-drowning feels equally as real.

However, Jesus grabbed Peter, saved him, and still loved him.  He didn’t let him sink, and he didn’t write him off as an ‘epic fail’.  And He won’t do that to me either.

In the midst of my storms, I know I begin to sink the minute I take MY eyes off Jesus too.  When I am overcome by the crazy schedules, and endless to-do’s, and sickness, and long hours, and over-stretched budgets…I have to realize what is going on.  Often without realizing it, I find my gaze locked firmly on that impossible standard.  I sometimes allow myself to get my worth (or lack thereof) from these false images that consume my vision.  I stop looking at Jesus and I look at Proverbs 31 Lady, or Super-Mom, or Wonder-Wife or any other air-brushed, unrealistic character that will inevitably leave me feeling worthless and hopeless.

In my seasons of storm, including today, I am trying, desperately trying, to remind myself to look at Jesus…not the good, the bad and the ugly around me.  They don’t define me.  He defines me.  It’s not about the standard…the success or the failure.  It’s about the hope I find in a gaze fixed on Him.

And in the rare moments that I can manage to remember this…well, maybe I can ‘walk on water’ for one more day too.

And so can you.  Trust me.

Don’t look at the impossible…look at Jesus.  And simply get through another day.

Okay?  Okay.

 

what was I thinking??

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Every time I wanted to have a baby…from the first, to the fourth…Todd would ask me the same question…

“What will we do with it?”

I would laugh at his silliness…his implication that parenting would be complicated.  I’d say wonderfully naïve things like…

 “We’ll just LOVE it!!”

Yeah.  That was my parenting philosophy.  “Love is all we need.”  I was obviously thinking of adorable, snuggly little bundles smelling of Baby Magic with a perfect little rosebud mouth.  Even thinking of it now makes me go all mushy inside.

I was obviously not thinking of sleepless nights, vomit on the bed/carpet/me, scary temper tantrums, night terrors or endless piles of laundry.

I was not thinking of doctor appointments, dentist appointments, haircut appointments, or teacher conference appointments.

I was not thinking of having ‘The Talk’, answering questions about words that make even me blush (something I don’t think is easy to do), helping with homework, teaching them to drive, or having to carefully calculate and plan when my husband and I could sneak in some intimacy without being ‘caught’ and scarring our children forever.

I was not thinking of having to figure out how to pay for tuition, music lessons, little league, birthday presents for 20 friends per kid (who said these children could have so many friends anyway?!?), field trips, or school activities…in addition to the rising cost of food, clothing and shelter for these ever-growing bodies!

I was not thinking of running in 4 directions, occasionally at the same time, on the same day, to taxi them to orchestra/band/musical/baseball…or any other given activity, and how nearly impossible and utterly draining this seemingly simple task can be.

I was not thinking of these kinds of words that I cannot believe I hear myself uttering, like…

“Do you not see the snow outside?  No, you may not play outside in shorts!!”

 

“Please stay off the roof, and don’t play with knives until dad or I gets back.”

(Do you understand the implication of that statement?  We let our children play on the roof, and with knives!!  Good grief!)

I was not thinking of cuts, scrapes, fevers, sprains, stitches, allergies, migraines or surgery.  (All unrelated to the roof or the knives, I promise!!)

I was not thinking of the countless hours of teaching, correcting, discussing, question-answering, imploring, encouraging, apologizing, worrying…and praying. 

I was not thinking of the self-directed anger, frustration and sense of personal failure for not doing a ‘better job’ at all of the aforementioned.

Today, this week, this month, in particular…I feel the weight of all the things I didn’t think of pressing intensely in on me, and I’m wondering how on earth to function in other areas of life, (like jobs and ministry and socializing) because couldn’t we all (moms AND dads!) spend every waking hour (and some non-waking ones too!) pouring into, cultivating and helping our kids grow?  Yes, I do think we could.  It’s a daunting, beyond expressing adequately with words task.

And in these moments, I find the best thing to do is…

Just remember my original plan.

“We’ll just love them.”

Because sometimes I miss appointments, overlook important emails, we arrive late to practices, and I forget to send lunches and permission slips.  I’m so not perfect (or even really good!) at this.  All too often I get wrapped up and overcome by this reality.

But today, I decided, I’m going to focus on the one thing I will say that I’ve nailed…one goal that I’ve met.

I LOVE MY KIDS. DSC_0126

Today I resolve to enjoy them.  I will be thankful for baseball laundry, and look forward to ‘Little League Opening Day’.  I will shuttle kids to musical practice and beam with pride at all their talent and guts to get up and perform in front of hundreds of people.  I will stand up and “woot woot!!” the loudest at the curtain calls.  I will congratulate them on good grades, and tell them “It’s ok as long as you did your best” on the not-so-good ones.  I will put out of my mind the to-do list and remind myself that I’ve been too distracted, and that to-do list will never be gone, but one day these kiddos will be…and I will choose to not miss these moments. 

And I will feel good about accomplishing what I set out to do…

“Just love them!!”